Dancing with Boundaries

I love gardening and it is like a meditation for me. Big gardens with beautiful flowers, green grass and palm trees, with spectacular lights on them which looks heavenly at starry nights. Early morning dew drops, and sunlight makes those greens look amazingly fresh, birds chirping and a bare foot walk on the wet grass leaves me spellbound.

Now comes to the fencing part, I have got a big green fence all around my garden to keep those hungry animals, rodents away. The best part of having a green lush fencing is it looks stunning and gives a fresh feel and is very low maintenance. I have tried wooden fencing too but that a different area. Fencing is the first line of defense for a garden.

Now imagine, a garden with no fence at all. I am not saying those don’t exist but compare it with the gardens with fence now ask yourself which are better maintained? I know you might be having moral questions like what is the point of fencing if you want to make your garden look natural? Answer is fencing is important is your garden protected? Or loved equally by all or does everyone care for your garden like you do? You don’t want anyone to pick flowers you planted two months ago, watered it every day, saved it from weeds and rodents and then it bloomed and the same day someone came and picked it up and now that flower is gone forever. Or may be a teenager who is rash driving suddenly bumps into your garden with a car. Or may be some hungry animal came looking for food and uprooted most of your delicate flowers. What now? The feeling good part while gardening might covert into some sort of frustration and rage.

Now most of you agree that fencing is important to protect the garden.

Now imagine a child instead of delicate flowers and personal boundaries instead of fencing. Do you agree with the situation? What if a child is being fed, given food and water, but no protection? Will he survive? And if he survives till, he becomes an adult, will he be able to protect others? May be not, because for that to happen first he should know how to protect himself? For that he might need an example or two. Now imagine a child who was well-fed, protected, given a full space to explore and being told how to know if someone invades his personal space and how to protect it. Compare both the child as an adult, who will be able to face the world with better personal space with a healthy self-esteem and a better sense of self-care. This is what is called setting up a healthy boundary.

Below are the five major signs to decide whether you are having a boundary issue:

1. Do you have difficulty saying no to anyone except yourself?

2. Do you find yourself in constant guilt or anxiety state for what others did, moreover you often fail to realizes other person’s mistake?

3. Do you not feel responsible for yourself? Or because you are too afraid of being criticized

4. Do you often feel victimized by others?

5. You have no idea how to put your needs in front of other person?

What are Boundaries:

By this time we have got an idea that boundaries are personal and there are established by an individual for taking the responsibility for their own action and simultaneously not taking the responsibility of others whatsoever.

AM I Right or Wrong?

Let us assume you don’t feel right while setting up boundaries around a person with which you have toxic relationship. Ask yourself why are so uneasy? Well, you have certain principles and core values which is important to you. Then why to put the other person in control of that? You are not supposed to explain or defend your boundaries to someone. If that someone does not acknowledge or respect your boundary then another important question is why you want to be with him for the rest of your life.

Scared to set up boundaries

Well most of the people who are poor in establishing boundaries can have apprehension while doing this. Take it from me, after you set your boundaries you feel happier and healthier emotionally and physically. You will have better self esteem and confidence. Don’t forget the fresh look of garden with fencing.

People think boundaries are only for romantic relationships. Well you can dump your stupid girlfriend or boyfriend but what about your friends and most importantly family. Establishing boundaries is not putting fire between two people rather it is the opposite. Let me tell you, if certain someone close to you (not stranger or acquaintance) asks you to stay buy some ice-cream flavor because he likes it and if not then you wont be able to eat ice-cream or spend time with that person…is not this bizarre? Exactly!! Now replace ice-cream with things you want, here ‘wanting’ is not exactly wanting to be something impractical, it is about your belief system. As an adult you are responsible for yourself so subconsciously you know what is good for you. Till you don’t try how will you know?

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